Friday, November 29, 2013

RESPECT the Punch. RESPECT IT

NOTE: Please don't ask me what the name of this post is supposed to mean. I was feeling quite tired when I posted it, so, I guess the moral of the story is; never write when you're tired (pretty lame, I'll admit).


Old people. Today, I want to talk about old people. My youth pastor likes to call them “olderly” people. Anyways, how many times have you heard someone say “old people don’t know anything,” or “old people are so slow and old-fashioned” (by the way, the list of mean things people say about olderly folks goes on)? Unfortunately, I too am guilty of saying at least one of the aforementioned. I am actually quite ashamed of it because, you see, old people are absolutely, unquestionably, indubitably, AWESOME!

Here are some reasons (both good and lame) why: 

1. You can never surprise an old person. Chances are they’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly during their lifetime. Heck, they’ve probably done some bad things when they were younger, but that’s just a wild guess ;).
2. Olderly people usually carry around Kleenex. So, when you’re sitting in church and a random allergy attack comes out of nowhere, lean over to the old person sitting next to you and politely ask for a Kleenex.
3. Old people are so darn FRIENDLY! I was helping out at a food distribution for the needy and this older man totally started talking to me about his life…admittedly, it might sound kind of creepy, but I assure you that it wasn’t!
4. Old people are free to be themselves. Most of them (I venture to say) couldn’t care less about what you think of them. Of course, they want to appear warm and friendly, but, heck, have you ever seen a really older person rockin’ modern threads? QED. (By the way, for all you newbies, QED is a Latin phrase “quod erat demonstrandum,” which basically means “proven by demonstration.” Voila! You’ve learned something new today! :)
5. Man, if sleepovers were events that grandparents could attend, there would be some serious dissing. I mean, at sleepovers people like to tell these (boring) stories about how they broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend or else the latest drama at school. If you add old people into the equation, what do you get? (I can hear you rolling your eyes thinking, “Life lessons with Grandma…” but you’re wrong!) You get one-upped with every story you tell! HA! Here’s how I imagine it would go: 

Girl: OHEMGEE! Elmer kissed me in the library today! My first kiss ever!!! (blah blah blah)

Grandma: How nice. My first kiss ended up saving the entire planet from an attack that would’ve made you obliterated into smithereens, girl! Let me tell you how it happened…

6. NINJA OLD PEOPLE. The master at this Tae Kwon Do place where my sister goes is super old. I can picture it now: two masked robbers are in the process of robbing the same bank that this little old man is in. The robbers scream “Everyone down on the ground!” The little old man patiently hobbles over to them and declares “I can’t, I’m sorry, but I can’t because of my arthritis.” As he says this, the robbers are stunned at his audacity. The little old man takes this precious moment to do all sorts of various kicks, jabs, and pressure points on them. I can see the headlines “100 Year old Man Gives Bank Robbers the Fight of their Lives.”
7. CRIMES (random, I know). Okay, this might seem sort of strange, but while I’m on the topic of robberies and the sort, how about bad guys who are really old? I mean, no one would EVER suspect the little old lady of doing anything criminal, right? Most olderly people seem so innocent!
8. Most olderly people get their own personal chauffeurs! That, in and of itself, is pretty darn amazing. Come on, you must admit that not having to drive yourself everywhere sounds somewhat relaxing.
9. Grandparents are THE BEST at spoiling kids rotten. Trust me; I’ve been there. For some reason, it seems like most grandparents have an unending surplus of money that appears out of nowhere at every holiday or birthday. I mean, it’s practically like magic the way they make money appear! (I say money because my grandparents give me money, not specific items :)
10. One day you, too, will be old. NUFF SAID.

So, the next time you catch yourself either thinking or saying a rude, nasty, contemptible thing about olderly people, just shut your mouth right on the spot and think of # 10 on this list.